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Short Funny Quote Biography

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My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. - Leo J. Burke

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

Monday again? Seriously though, I cannot keep doing this every week!

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else. It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable. My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

The pen may be mightier than the sword…but no one in braveheart carried one.Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else. It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable. My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached!

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

For all people who make me laugh : Thank you.

Why do people try park as close as the can to the entrance when they go to the gym to work out?

A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny? Me: yeah, every time I look at you.