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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

All generalizations are bad.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey."

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

Man was predestined to have free will.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Murphy was an optimist.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Today is the last day of some of your life.

Without geography, you're nowhere.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

The chicken came first — God would look silly sitting on an egg.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do."

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

It's not that I'm a Type‑B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy.

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

A signature always reveals a man's character — and sometimes even his name.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling.

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand.

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated.

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.

Free Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

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Free Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Free Funny Quotes Biography