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Very Funny Quotes Biography

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. – Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”

I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

: When you have too much month at the end of your money.

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else. It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable. My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.

A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

Why’d the metaphysical chicken cross the road? He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

Why do people try park as close as the can to the entrance when they go to the gym to work out?

A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny? Me: yeah, every time I look at you.

If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notification we will get will be: “You have to install driver to add friends”.

Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it’s one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car!

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth, until you step in the exam hall.

Thanks to all those who ask the awkward questions on yahoo answers so that we don’t have to.

Did you ever get that when you walk up the stairs and then half-way up you stop because you forget what you wanted to do, not noticing that you holding up the people that wants to get on the plane.

It’s funny when a dare devil blasts past you in the traffic when you’re just cruising and when you pull up to the traffic lights you’re next to him!

Flying: Not a good way to let passengers know that they’re landing: “This plane is going down.”

Sanity: I think I’m crazy. I can’t stop thinking if I am. Does that make me crazy? You think I’m crazy don’t you?!

Fun killer: There will be no drinking at this party. And no people either.

During surgery: After everything we did, I can’t believe this guy is still alive.

Here’s what I tell people who try to buy happiness: stay away from mine. It’s not for sale.

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Very Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Very Funny Quotes Biography