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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

To me, the musical is best when it's a musical comedy. So if you have a very, very funny show, and very good, funny songs, that's what the musical does best.
“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.”

“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”

“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

“It's not because I want to make out with her."
" He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”

“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.

"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."

Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.

His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"

Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”

“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”

“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."

"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”

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Good Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Good Funny Quotes Biography